I can diet faultlessly for a week
and lose no weight.
I can make clogs work
in any social situation.
I can keep sizes 10, 12, 14, 16 and 18 hung up in my closet
and fit into all of them simultaneously.
I can detect odors
no one else can smell.
I can gain five pounds
overnight.
I can justify
eating any food.
I can tell when milk is going to sour
days before it actually happens.
I can keep an unopened box of Oreos in my cupboard for over three months
and then demolish them singlehandedly in under an hour.
I can go 3 days
without a bowel movement.
I can always fit
one more thing into the dishwasher.