The Relationship Between Morality and Weight Loss Ought to Have a Positive Correlation

The man who works tirelessly for the
Children's Cancer Fund, for instance,
should not be overweight.

The woman who takes the bus every morning
to read to the blind should not also
attend a Weight Watcher's meeting.

Let us propose: weight loss shall no longer be tied to
self-discipline, exercise or genetics, but rather,
be bound intrinsically to the good one brings to the world.

A natural law will govern this principal. Only
the good will be thin. The very good; very thin.
The more gracious one is, the less one will be.

Blood donors, Doctor's Without Borders,
those who help seniors with taxes --
they will be the lanky, the petite and fine boned.

Those who are too benevolent for
their own good -- their bodies will
dwindle to nothing.

We will strongly advise them, “Go! Pull
the tail of a cat! Yell at an innocent child!
Put some flesh on your bones. You look terrible.”